im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
