Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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