she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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