You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
