I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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