I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
