I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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