It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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