Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
