Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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