i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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