While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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