No awkward lesbian experiences without me
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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