there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
