well I can't set my house on fire every night
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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