I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
