I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
