Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
