i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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