i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
