My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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