Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
