nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she pinky promised me she was 18
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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