sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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