Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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