i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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