Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
