Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
