So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize