he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
