I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
