Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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