If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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