if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Say something about gay babies.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
