Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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