Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize