Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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