I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
