Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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