On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
