It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
