I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize