I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
