Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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