She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
