Screwed.edu
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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