why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
