Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
