You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
