Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
