I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
