I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
