She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
