I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I need to stop coming to work sober
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
