i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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