Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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