Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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