eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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