What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You're completely useless in the revolution.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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