Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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